"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." -Corrie Ten Boom
Trusting God Through Fear
Have you ever walked so tenderly through a season that you didn't know what else to do besides put one foot in front of the other? That's the season we are just coming out of as a family. The end of this last pregnancy was hard in a way I hadn't experienced before. Being pregnant at 38 is definitely different than being pregnant at 26! However, it wasn't the physical challenges that brought such heart heaviness. It was the emotional ones. Due to some health concerns, we were highly advised to induce our baby earlier than we felt comfortable with. We had honestly thought he would come early because all the signs were there, but he didn't. I was starting to fear the worst...would he make it?...would I make it?...what if I don't make the right decision and it costs my baby's life? Genuine, real fears. I would find myself in a place of peace, trusting God, and then somewhere, somehow, end up falling down a spiral of fear. In those moments you realize just how helpless and out of control in this life you truly are. How "unknown" your future truly is. All the planning, hard work, goals, and preparations, really are a facade of control. I like to think I "let God" be in control often, but the truth is that I find myself mentally and emotionally gripping onto my own life and plans more than I even realize.
The fear and curiosity of "how" and "when" this baby boy would enter the world started becoming a burden. We were emotionally heavy with medical decisions that needed to be made and emotionally heavy with waiting. Each week felt like a month. But, we kept turning our fears into praise. Each time I felt myself spiraling down a fear funnel I would cry it out and attempt to turn my eyes back to the Lord, asking Him for strength for one more day. Life is so fragile. We know this. By God's grace I kept being reminded of His faithfulness. I would journal out my fears and anxieties and then finish up each entry with thanksgiving. Thanking God for what He already has done and knowing that His peace would be accessible to us no matter what happens. I was NOT trusting in a promise that my baby would be okay, but rather that I, MYSELF, would be okay no matter what because God was with me. I was not alone. I was afraid at the moment, but I didn't have to stay there. Praise helped free me from my worst fears.
Who can "mom" well when she's all tangled up in fear and anxiety? I don't know about you, but I couldn't. Fear and anxiety take your focus off of the gifts of today and have you wandering mindlessly in the wastelands of the unknown future. It's like burying your head in the sand--you're missing out on all the blessings and moments of the here and the now. Thankfully I've learned how to get help when I find myself burying my head in the sand. I've learned to reach out to those closest to me--my husband and inner circles. My tribe kept checking in and praying for us and serving us generously. Your tribe is often HOW God gives you strength through times such as this. I thank God that they showed up to love on us and walk beside us through the unknown.
I've also learned to continuously sing praise and speak truth in my thoughts. If you tell someone to "not be afraid" it's really hard to just "stop" worrying or fearing. But, turning my thoughts and attention towards all the blessings and provisions of the past and present helped me stop the spiral fear fall. Turning my thoughts and words over to praise again and again became second nature. Just like any habit you want to create, you must have repetition. Over and over again, speaking God's Word and thanking Him for all He's done actually released tears of fear. Fear's not something you stop. It's something that needs to be released. We're actually instructed to "cast" our anxiety on the Lord in 1 Peter 5:7. That's what we kept doing. Daily. Moment by moment. When fear came, and I wanted to bury my head in the sand, I'd turn my thoughts towards thanksgiving and ask the Lord to come to take my concerns into His hands. When do you stop "turning your worries over to the Lord"? As many times as it takes until your fears and anxieties are actually "turned over." Sometimes it was a short moment of fear; other times, it was a day of fear where I was casting cares constantly. That's okay. The main thing was to keep casting.
Trusting God Through the Unknown
Fast forward through all the medical discussions and decisions, and finally, we were blessed to have our prayers answered by God with a natural birth resulting in a strong, healthy baby. I wasn't prepared, however to keep casting my fears, and I needed to be. Our sweet precious baby boy came home from the hospital and started twitching in his sleep. We all "twitch" in our sleep, and newborns do so exceedingly more since their nervous system is learning to function properly. But this "twitching" was not normal. It was much more frequent and very repetitive. After sending a video to our pediatrician, she was slightly concerned, so the video was then sent to neurology at the children's hospital.
Let's freeze here for a moment. To recap, we had been walking through so much in our home before the end of this pregnancy. Then, the final month was a heavy load of emotional weight and decisions. Now baby has come, but here we are coming up for air and realizing that our healthy baby might actually have a neurological disorder.
Here are all the thoughts that went through my head:
Is this my fault?
Is this happening because we had to be induced and the pitocin is causing this?
Is this happening because I am eating something wrong?
What if he's disabled?
Will we ever be empty nesters if our baby has medical needs like this? (Selfish, I know, but it was something that crossed my mind).
How can we tell our other kids about this because they've already felt the weight of all the unknown leading up to now?
Will I be able to continue homeschooling?
Will all my other kids feel neglected if this baby needs constant medical care?
Will I be able to mother strong still and have a testimony to encourage others with?
Will I take out my grief and stress in unhealthy ways?
I feel ashamed, and like I did something wrong, Lord, did I?
My husband ( my earthly rock) kept reminding me to focus on today. Each time I came to him in tears he would tell remind me to take it one day at a time. We didn't know anything yet. I love this quote below by Corrie ten Boom:
Worry truly does rob today of its strength, and I would argue it also robs today of its joy. Again, I became a professional "care caster." I would be at peace with the unknown and busy caring for the blessings all around me, but then out of nowhere, come crying to my husband, holding our sweet baby boy, feeling as if I was in a pit of despair. I kept praying over this baby. Our family and friends kept praying over him. So many laying of hands. Whenever he would start twitching I would close my eyes and hold him close, praying healing over his body and asking God to help us trust Him in this unknown future. Again, releasing fears. Again, praising God for His provision in the past and how He's provided in the present, so I know I could trust Him in the future. Promising God that we would continue to praise and trust Him and desperately asking Him to help us. Corrie ten Boom has also been quoted saying, "never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." I think that's what carried us through. Strength for waking up each day, strength for living a normal life with our kiddos, and running our household with peace. We have walked with God long enough to know that even when our worst fears come true, we've been given enough strength for each moment, each day---because we made it to where we are now. Praise God.
Fast forward all the tears and decisions again, and we end up doing an EEG at the children's hospital. We've never had a child with any kind of serious physical ailment. This was new territory. A beautiful hospital full of life and color and cheery faces but also full of all the unseen burdens each family bears. Having your newborn hooked up to dozens of electrodes for an EEG does something to your spirit I'll never forget. He looked so innocent, vulnerable, and trusting. Laying there with his big eyes focused on my calming voice (working to soothe us both) and holding his little hands while nursing his pacifier sweetly. And we waited. I was thankful I didn't weep at this moment, but the silent tears still came as I held him and prayed and waited for this test to be over. Then it was done. We drove home again, living in the unknown and waiting for results.
I felt an extra sense of heaviness a few days later at church, and so we, again, asked for help--the prayers of our church. I don't like to cry ugly in general, so I really don't like to ugly cry in public. But, I longed for a more intentional community to be walking with us and praying for us. As they prayed over Lucas that Sunday morning, he was sleeping in my arms and started twitching intensely. It was so discouraging and left me in a place of such despair where all I could do was surrender. Surrender all our fears, worries, thoughts, and wills to the Lord.
Praising At All Moments
I was prepared for the worst. I was praying prayers like,
"God, if Lucas dies I will still praise you and do everything I can to use this testimony to walk with others through such pain."
"God please heal Lucas, but if not, help me to trust that You will get us through this!"
"Lord, I'm sorry for anything I did to endanger this precious little one; please show me how to best care for him."
"God, I'm scared and I'm really worried."
"God, what is going to happen? Why is this happening?"
"God, I thank you for this precious baby boy. Please help me to trust You, no matter what."
While my moments of crying out to God were raw and vulnerable I do want to say that life went on. I'd have that dark moment of grief and uncertainty but then open my eyes to my children and life waiting for me to engage. There was still school, chores, and laundry to be done. There's always laundry. Our family had to move forward in our days while managing the tension of the unknown. We kept praising. We kept speaking the truth. We kept turning our thoughts over and trying to trust.
Thankfully, this time, our prayers were answered in the way we were hoping for! The EEG results came back normal, and our doctor no longer felt concerned. Praise God! In fact, ever since Lucas' blessing dedication week, and then the Sunday that the church prayer team prayed over him, he has gotten better. Fewer twitching episodes and shorter ones. Sometimes days with none at all. We are so thankful and honestly still cautiously accepting this news. But we are committed to walking out this season with constant trust and turning and casting.
We praised God while waiting for this baby to come, and praised Him when Lucas came. We praised God when we thought the worst, and praised Him when the doctor called with good news. We kept praising. I want to believe that had that EEG not come back normal we would still have kept praising God, even more so.
If you made it this far in this testimony, thank you for reading. The truth is that none of us know the date, time, or place that God will allow our earthly body to be done here. We MUST live in humble trust while walking out our fears and walking through unknown seasons while focusing on giving thanks for the present.
Keep turning your thoughts over to Him.
Keep casting your cares/fears/worries/anxieties upon Him.
Keep trusting in His Word and reading it often.
Praise ushers out fear.
Thanksgiving ushers in joy.
Keep trusting and praising, no matter what.
Your heavenly Father knows and sees all and works for your good cause you love Him.
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