Have you ever had to message a mentor mom late at night because your heart was breaking over past pain in friendships? That happened recently to me. Thankfully my friend was so gracious to listen and console, and most importantly spur me on in godly advice. As kids get older, their trials, and your trials as their parent, become harder to navigate. Last night I dug into some old wounds from years ago and grieved the hard journey one of my kiddos had to traverse through some friendships. It’s in the past, years old, but I saw some things recently that stirred up these old scars in my heart and I needed to grieve. So I did. (My infant is also about to turn one so I'm probably a little emotional in general which doesn't help). Regardless, here are some of the things I have to keep telling myself, and also repenting of.
Hard Truths I’ve Had To Accept When Kids Don't Like My Kid
I'm Not In Control
When your kids are little, you plan all their relationships for them—where they’re going, who they’ll hang out with, etc etc. You might not even realize that you do all this till that season of life is over. As they get older though, they start to create their own circle of friends. It's not fun to talk about navigating friendships when you can tell that your friend's kid doesn’t like your kid, or worse yet, your friend doesn’t like your kid. Why does this bother me so so much? Why is it so painful? What can I do to fix this? Am I strong enough to push through the awkwardness to still be able to hang out with these people in groups? Do I need to move on? I've grieved and pushed my way through several years of this heartache and here's where God and the wise people around me keep bringing me to--I'm not in control. I can't control the way someone thinks/feels about myself or my kids. I'm glad I'm not in control, because I want people to genuinely desire friendship with myself and my children--not be forced to. However, it's the truth that is really hard to accept. The truth that not all of my friends, whom I deeply enjoy relationship with, are going to like my kids, and that's just a reality. My kids are their own people with their own wild free will. They are uniquely designed by God to be themself! Not me. Thus, it makes sense that someone could like me, but not really jive with my kids.
I can’t force my kid to be friends with anyone. Even my friend’s kid. It stinks. I wish I could. I honestly tried for two years to do this and it was awful. My kid did everything they could to enter into friendship with a group that I desired her to click with but it flopped. The group was not her cup of tea, and worse yet there was so much "cliquey-ness" that her heart was broken over and over again. I mean, when an entire group is often whispering secrets around you it is crushing. I grieved for my kid and for myself pretty hard honestly. I hate that I forced my sweet child into this position in the first place. Thankfully we've been able to forgive and let go and most importantly move forward into life-giving friendships. God has blessed my child with extravagant and numerous friendships! I have so much to be thankful for. If I'm honest though, to this day when I see the group that rejected my daughter I have heart pains and have to watch my thoughts before they spiral down into unforgiveness. I know that kids will be kids, but man, the heartache of watching your child be rejected over and over again by youth and their parents is extremely painful.
Some people may like me, but not like my kids, or vice versa. This is weird because my children, although they are their own person, are an extension of my flesh! It feels like God ripped out four pieces of my heart, gave each piece a pair of legs, and now my heart is stomping all over the earth! My four children are my inheritance from the Lord, and I cherish them so. I find great joy in them. So why does it get under my skin so badly when people are cold to my kids? When people are cold to my kids, it feels like they are being cold to me. This is hard especially when people know some of the struggles that my children are facing, yet offer no radical grace. How can I then be friends with someone who doesn’t see the value in my children? I can’t. I can serve this person, love on them, have meaningful conversations, but they can’t be in my inner circle, ever. Why does this even matter so much to me? With our neighbors, our church, and so many people in our school circle loving and speaking so highly of my kids, it still kills the “people pleaser” in me to accept that not everyone will like me, or my children. I've made a decision though. I’m gonna lead with confidence. I refuse to let hard hearts from others guide my emotions or push me into insecurity. God, help me be more gracious and less judgmental. I wanna look like love even when I know I'm not liked.
When little kids don’t get along, we write it off as part of their training, but when older kids don’t jive it often feels like great loss. They are no longer a toddler throwing a fit about sharing. They're a young soul crying because they feel alone, they're longing for deep friendship, and the people around them don't seem to care or acknowledge how beautifully unique their young soul truly is. It’s like you’re driving along the road next to your friend's cars and each of you has your kids in the backseat. My kid could only stand the ride for so long before they jumped out of the car. They landed hard and got big bruises. Now I have a choice, do I leave my kid where they are and keep driving forward to maintain my relationships, or do I say “goodbye” to my friends, and turn around to go help my kid? In this situation the answer is obvious--I gotta leave my friend group to see to the needs of my child. Thus, leaving the road they’re driving on and watching them drive away with their kids all together. Now I'm left out, because my kid is "out" of these relationships. It’s a feeling of loss when relationships move forward without you. It would have been great if everyone had stopped their cars and gotten out and cheered and pursued my kid until they got back in the car--who knows, maybe they would have all been friends? Regardless, life keeps driving forward. Here's what I had to do--decide that if wanted to keep my friendship with these sweet mamas I needed to schedule time together for just us moms. Our kids weren't going to click, but I valued the relationships deeply enough that I wanted to do what I could to fight for them. So far, it's been a huge blessing. Yes, there was a loss I grieved that our kids won't be growing in relationship with one another, and I still feel that heart pain on a rare occasion. However, I'm thankful I didn't write off ALL the relational gold I had just because my kid didn't jive with my friend's kids.
Can I be friends with someone if our kids don't like one another? Yes. It’s like being friends with someone who doesn’t vote the same as you do. You can have a deep friendship in some areas, but not in others. We don’t focus on what divides us. We have so much more in common than we disagree on. However, since our children are a part of us it gets messy sometimes. It’s like separating play-doh. I’m trying to be friends with you, while trying to stop thinking about my kids and separate myself from the precious blessings God has given me to raise up and disciple. Yes, I'm a grateful believer in Christ and my identity is fully in Jesus. However, God has blessed me with this other identity known as "mother" and it is so special and treasured that I want to connect with other mothers over our mothering! Whew! Does that make since? We can talk about mothering and encourage one another without forcing our kids to be friends with each other. If a relationship is worth fighting for, you'll do it! Hands down. Like I said in the above section, it can feel like loss when you realize your kids no longer jive with your friend's kiddos. We've learned to fight for our friendship through it though, and for that I'm thankful. I've had to grow up, spiritually mature, and continue to allow my kids to find their own friendships and community. They've done an amazing job at this, and for that I am so thankful!
Key takeaways that I'm learning:
Older kids are going to choose their own friends
I can't force my kid to be friends with others
Children are an extension of my flesh so it's gonna be hard to like me if you don't like my kid
It feels like people don't like me when they reject my kid
I CAN be friends with others even when our kids don't connect
I can schedule just 'mom hang time' instead of with our kids
It feels like loss when our kids don't jive with people we connect well with
Time is limited, so fight for the life-giving relationships with/without kids
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